You're so nebulous sometimes
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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