so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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