Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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