watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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