not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
