i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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