I haven't been this sober since birth.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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