Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
