I have demons in me.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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