I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Please don't give away my fajitas
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