Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
