There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
