oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
