Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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