dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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