I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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