Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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