Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
