I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
even my farts smell like vagina
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize