I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
