As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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