Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
