Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
