Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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