My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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