remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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