There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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