if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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