I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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