Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
