In the future we'll all be gay
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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