he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
