If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
