Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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