I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
