We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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