Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
