Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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