I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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