I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
