if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
