My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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