I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
kristin has been a bad kristin
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
