My cat gives me a boner
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
