got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
