Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
