i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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