I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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