A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
