A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just google imaged poop.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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