I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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