make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
