So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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