I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
