he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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