Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You were trust falling into bushes
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
