Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
